The power of language
One of the lessons I’ve learned from being inside cults is just how influential (and destructive) words and language are when used for the purposes of manipulation and mind control. Any writer, whether a novelist, poet, screen or songwriter, understands how words can create vivid visual imagery for their reader and elicit powerful emotional responses. NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) practitioners and Hypnotherapists equally understand this. There are words that conjure up feelings of happiness, harmony and love just as there are those that incite fear, anger and hate.
In the hands of destructive groups and people (like cults and narcissists), words become the weapon. Remember the Nxivm sex cult? Yeah, they used NLP. Many cults are known for using various forms of hypnosis and the like to indoctrinate their followers as discussed on CultRecovery101.com. Language in the hands of abusive leaders is used to overtly and covertly program followers into groupthink while controlling the followers’ behaviors, thoughts and emotions. Freedom of thought and speech become non-existent. In society, inflammatory language is often used in media and politics to incite hate, violence and destruction. History is filled with examples of this. January 6th anyone?
After my last article Transiting the Void, I received what felt like a rather harsh and accusatory comment about one of the tools I use when I need to calm my nervous system. The reader called this a “conspiracy theory” and insinuated that if I must follow this then I must also be spouting and believing in other questionable things without any investigation.
For anyone who’s lived through narcissistic abuse specifically, having our reality or the validity of our experience attacked and questioned is quite difficult. It’s the whole gaslighting effect. Furthermore, for someone to accuse me of spreading misinformation and lies that are harmful to others…well that hurts. For anyone trying to do good in the world and wanting to help others, I imagine it would hurt.
The last thing I wanted was for anyone to think I was spouting lies and conspiracies about the healing modalities I use, let alone about the 14 years I spent in abusive high control groups/cults. So in my triggered state of fear and pain, I deleted the comment and blocked the user.
The devil is in the details
Using the phrase conspiracy theory may not seem like a big deal, I mean people are throwing it around so casually we’re not even taking it seriously anymore. We’ve nearly become desensitized to it. However, the use of that loaded language in this reader’s comment set off major alarm bells. I mean anyone remember Sure I can shrug it off as just some unhappy person and assume my readers would dismiss it as the same. But no. We don’t tolerate the weaponization of words or the irresponsible use of language with zero accountability. We can’t afford to in today’s world.
At the same time I was struggling to reconcile how I could be writing a series that addresses the damaging effects of silencing, suppressing and eroding individual thought and identity while literally deleting and banning someone else’s free thought and speech from my comments! This just wasn’t sitting right.
For those reasons, I ultimately decided sharing the TRUTH was the best course of action for all of us. I’m pretty passionate about truth and transparency now. Because I had my truth gaslit, denied and censored for far too long, it just goes against my integrity to censor someone who disagrees with me - even if it’s hurtful. I unbanned the user and am sharing the original comment and my response below.
The following is a screenshot of the reader’s comment in full. (PS-if anyone knows how to restore a deleted comment, help a girl out).
A letter to you
Dear Music Girl,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and being so passionate about your craft. I’m very passionate about my craft as well, so I understand and appreciate it! I would like to respond and clarify a few things you mentioned:
Firstly and most importantly, you accused me of not conducting thorough investigation into what I’m writing about and that I’m following conspiracy theories. The definition of conspiracy is: the activity of secretly planning with other people to do something bad or illegal - that’s from the Cambridge Dictionary. Wikipedia defines it as: a plot, a secret plan or agreement between people (called conspirers or conspirators) for an unlawful or harmful purpose, such as murder or treason, especially with political motivation,[1] while keeping their agreement secret from the public or from other people affected by it.
I’m not conspiring to harm anyone or commit murder and treason.
This genre of music (Solfeggio) is not illegal nor has it been found to be harmful. It’s not a secret, is easily searchable on any streaming platform, and I’m publicly discussing it (along with my very personal and vulnerable experience of abuse).
Your use of the phrase conspiracy theory is a misnomer and inflammatory.
Secondly, nowhere in my article or in previous articles do I instruct readers to engage in the practices I use for my personal healing. Do I share what works for me in case it might help someone else who is struggling or is looking for inspiration, of course! Furthermore, at the bottom of the article you commented on (and previous articles) I site several sources from industry-leading experts and have a disclaimer. Did you read the full article? Have you read any of my other articles? I state very clearly in the publication’s description that Post-Cult Life is: Experiences and insights about narcissistic abuse and my time in “a cult within a cult,” the process of reclaiming my sense of self, artistic voice, freedom and what trauma recovery looks like from a spiritual perspective.
If my perspective on healing and/or spirituality doesn’t vibe with you, that’s totally fine. No need to agree with or subscribe to my beliefs whatsoever. That’s the beautiful thing about having freedom. You aren’t coerced into a groupthink that goes against your identity.
Thirdly, I’m not here to argue over the accuracy and validity of how this style of music got it’s name or the science behind it - because this series is about life after cults. But for transparency’s sake, Solfeggio exists on all streaming platforms. And just as one person may listen to classical, folk or jazz to feel more calm and relaxed, I happen to listen to Solfeggio. None of these genres requires thorough scientific investigation to determine if it’s helpful to the listener. Music, in all of its genres, IS healing. And I think we can all agree on that.
However, if you want investigation, here’s a few resources: I always recommend the series Sound of Creation on Gaia which covers the history, research and science of sound and music. You could also read Vibrational Healing by Richard Gerber, M.D. or there’s even a Forbes article which touches on more recent research.
Lastly, I recognize that your comment triggered old wounds in me and I let my ego get the best of me for a moment. I wonder if my article and/or it’s mention of Solfeggio did the same for you. If it did, all I ask is that you explore that. I’m sending you loads of love, because I’ve seen the results of what unhealed wounds and triggers do to a person. My narcissist mentor was one of them. She caused a lot of emotional, psychological, physical and financial damage to numerous people for over 30 years because she never dealt with her own wounds or took accountability for the harm she caused and continues to cause others. That cliche about hurt people hurting people is really true.
It is my deepest hope that we can move forward having each gained greater self-awareness and accountability for how we communicate to ourselves, each other and in the world. I certainly gained some wisdom from you and this experience.
Thank you and be well,
Abigail
Collectively speaking
Some of you might be thinking, “Why did you even give this person energy?” Couldn’t I just chock this up to some random troll or bully or current cult member who is trying to discredit me? It’s no big deal. Oh, but it is when you look at the big picture. This isn’t about Music Girl or me - our exchange is just a reflection, a facet of a much larger issue. Ultimately, it’s about all of us.
We see it every day on social media. Comments full of hate, vitriol and harassment of an individual for the way they look, think, act, for their religious and/or spiritual practices or even their livelihoods. And when we cross the line into harassing someone for their spiritual and/or religious practices [when they are not causing harm] we’re bordering on the same mob mentality that got witches burned at the stake and thousands of others murdered for not converting to Christianity during the Crusades. And THAT is dangerous territory.
If you’ve ever been to the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles, you get a glimpse into Germany, the Nazi party and the general social climate of German culture at the time. It seemed harmless. It was a small sect of people and seemingly innocuous. Sure this guy seemed a bit “off” talking nonsense. But he wasn’t a threat, no one was going to believe him, right? We all know what happened after that.
Every massive movement of hate and destruction started with one person. And every one of those movements involved weaponizing words, manipulation and mind control - just to name a few tactics. Modus operandi of a cult leader. Our history books are filled with examples. It starts small.
When we engage in this online and social media arena casually throwing around loaded language because we’re angry and fired up - we’re not taking accountability for our own contribution and participation in perpetuating hate and a toxic culture. I don’t see one “harmless” comment, I see another drop in the toxic ocean that will slowly and surely lead to our demise.
Seriously, what IS all this collective and explosive public spite? Have we learned nothing from history? Look around, would you consider the state of the world to be one of wellness right now?
I know that reader’s comment isn’t a personal attack on me. And I know it probably does have more to do with their own issues, but it is a symptom of our societal illness and it must be addressed. We’re failing ourselves and each other.
Also, I do not say any of this from a holier-than-thou place, because I have definitely in an emotionally reactive state lashed out - online and in person. Anyone else ever curse out a customer service phone rep? Or get so mad after reading someone’s IG post that you just have to stick it to them? Yeah, me too. I’ve been there many times and it always makes me feel awful afterward. I make a very conscious effort not to engage like that anymore, which by the way is one hell of a challenge when you’re healing from complex trauma.
I value healthy debate, disagreement and discourse, but the use of inflammatory language and tone online (or face to face) isn’t helping any of us. Attacking each other over differences of opinion NEVER works out. Whether your attack is overt or covert, all it does is feed the fire of judgement and hate. We become further separated from each other and ourselves. Period.
It is our responsibility, as humans, to be cognizant and vigilant of the language we use and that others use (including the media). How do we speak to others? How do we handle upsets and conflicts? How does someone speak to us? What language and words are being used in the media we’re consuming? Does it incite emotions like fear and hate? Does it promote emotions like guilt and unworthiness? Does it promote “us vs. them” or black and white thinking?
Start paying attention when you’re watching TV shows, the news, scrolling IG, reading an article or see an advertisement for mascara. What do you notice? Can you spot the subtle hypnotic programming of certain language?
Agents of change
That saying about triggers being our teachers really is true. Every time something upsets us, we can get into dialogue with it and use it as a tool to explore what is still unhealed within us instead of projecting our pain onto someone else. By stepping into that space of greater self-awareness we understand the effects our words and actions cause. That is holding ourselves accountable. We develop compassionate communication, and [bonus!] we become less susceptible to the malicious intents of narcissists, cults, angry trolls, and online bullies. We become more autonomous, authentic and no longer participate in this toxic culture, but evolve into agents of change.
In monitoring our own communication as well as being aware of the subtle ways that others can use language to manipulate, we maintain our freedom. And we can help others find and maintain their freedom.
As I’ve mentioned earlier in this series, living through the cults and narcissistic abuse has become about more than healing from my trauma. It’s transformed me, awakened me into recognizing the dangerous and toxic tactics that are at play in our everyday lives. No one is immune. And until we can collectively wake up to these things and our role in propagating them, we will never be in harmony - with ourselves or each other. The struggle to find health and happiness will continue.
I’ll leave you with links to an INCREDIBLE two-part podcast interview with Dr. Gabor Maté. If you don’t know Dr. Maté, he’s a physician and bestselling author who specializes in trauma and how it effects the mind and body. These episodes delve deeper into some of the concerns I’ve touched on today and describes what he calls hypnotic passivity in our culture. He does a fantastic job of uniting science and spirituality in addressing the overall wellness of our society. You can listen to Finding our TRUE Selves in a Crazy World and Healing Trauma in a Toxic Culture on the Know Thyself podcast.
Thank you always dear readers for your support and sharing in this journey. Next time, we’ll get into some more spiritual stuff (woo woo woooooo) and how cults pervert spirituality and religion in order to harm you and serve their own agenda.
If you would like more background information on my personal experience and the groups I was in, check out this article in The Hollywood Reporter or find me on IG @abigailonfire and look for the podcast interviews at the link in my bio. You can also listen to Season 4 of The Lucy & Annabel Show.
If you are looking for more information on the topics discussed in the Post-Cult Life series, here are some additional resources that have benefited me:
the work of Steven Hassan, PhD. and his Freedom of Mind Resource Center
the work of Dr. Ramani
The Vow on HBO
WTF is on My Mind?! podcast
A Little Bit Culty podcast
Trust Me podcast
Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar.
Very well written and nicely done Abigail. Without having any knowledge of Solfeggio or it's validity, if that sound works for you and others in healing, I don't see the harm whether placebo or not.
Indeed the choice of the term "conspiracy theory" seems very poor, wrong & gaslighting in itself, which has me questioning the the questioner. If she is right, pseudo-science or urban myth would have been more than adequate, but her use of "conspiracy theory" is inaccurate and way over-the-top, to the point of a questionable psychological state and motive suspicion.
One of the main lessons I had to learn in trying to help and educate people who have suffered narcissistic abuse, is to not directly question their terminology or coping tools, because I recognized I was re-traumatizing them to a degree, which is the last thing any good and knowledgeable person trying to help should ever want to do.
Like almost anything, if it helps, comforts and works for them, that is a good thing & who am I to take that away, unless it is something that seems helpful but is really harmful. Just remember, pathological narcissists almost never change and get off on narcissistic abuse, which is why most experts say, "Cut all ties" & "just get away." They are a larger than most think % of society virtually no one can bring back to good. They are just emotional vampires who want everyone as miserable as they are.
idk about that person with such little info but their language was definitely abusive, so your initial response to block was a very understandable and a normal response you should happily embrace when called for in the future, by someone else being destructive instead of constructive.
Ok. I will need to answer this step by step.
The first thing----truth is truth. I know that sounds cliche, but it is. And just because truth triggers you, does not mean it should not be said. And the truth is not about feelings. I do not have some type of feelings that I am trying to work out. I am concerned with the truth. The facts. Often the truth and facts do trigger you or anyone. But the truth isn't about feelings, and any type of trigger, in my opinion, is not an excuse to say that you won't listen to the truth.
So, lets get to some truth as to why I said what I said.
First, I believe you are being quite literal. If you decide to write a blog, advising others on a a subject matter, and you mention one or many forms of aid that you use, then you are promoting something. Just because you don't literally say "use this", does not mean that others will not look to your blog, read it, and decide that what you use, is what they should use.
You said in your previous blog that listening to "Solfeggio frequency music" was part of an (your words) "extensive routine" that you use to (your words) "...get my body back to a place of calm". So to say that you were just talking about listening to this, in abstract, is not true. Many could take that as advice. Others, will read this and decide to use what you have done. Your words, aren't in a vacuum.
Second, even in legal terms, there is something called an adoptive admission. This means (basically) that if you have the means to deny and ,or correct something you know not to be true, and chose not to correct it or investigate it further--you adopt it. When this is done, you are effectively adopting the theory and or said events, meaning you are a part of them, and or, in some cases, believe them.
That is why I said you are promoting a conspiracy theory. It is not an inflammatory comment, as you put it. And, I believe, calling it that, is a way to get around the TRUTH of what Solfeggio frequency music is, and that it comes from a conspiracy.
So let's talk about that conspiracy......and the TRUTH of where this comes from.....
First, calling this a "genre of music". That is the first untruth. This frequency music comes from what is called the A440 conspiracy. This conspiracy promotes the idea that there was some grand conspiracy done by the Nazi's that tuned all music to A440, and that it was a part of a widespread mind control of music, and other things. It promotes the wrong idea that because modern music is "supposedly" tuned to this "mysterious" A440, that it is harmful!!!!!! Therefore, we "supposedly" need to get back to these "special frequencies" that heal. And Leonard Horowitz, a HUGE promoter of this, came up with a set of frequencies. But his frequencies are based on numerology--NOT MUSIC. And he further said these "special frequencies" had healing powers, and that supposedly, Mozart, Beethoven, the Monks, and others, used them and tuned their instruments to these frequencies.........but they never did. Pretty soon, the New Age movement got a hold of these ideas, without real investigation or understanding of music and it's history. And the conspiracy grew and grew.
But there are NO special frequencies.
And this conspiracy, and yes it is a conspiracy, has been used by the alt right, and many others, to say that modern music, or any type of music they don't like, and is not up to their "morals" is tuned to this A440, is bad, and can hurt those that listen to it.
Solfege, itself, is actually a technique for TEACHING and LEARNING music. (Think THE SOUND OF MUSIC-Do, Re, Me So, etc) . That is why solfeggio frequency music....isn't a genre. And it was incorrect that this "frequency music" was given that name, at all.
This solfeggio frequency music, is just music tuned to whatever frequency is chosen. But those frequencies are based on nothing. and have no healing powers.
That is why I called it a conspiracy, because-----it is!!!!
And you are adopting this, and you are promoting it, if you claim it as a part of any type of "extensive routine" of healing of any kind. Particularly when you are writing a blog of advice, no matter if that blog isn't on the SPECIFIC subject of music.
But also, this information, is easily found out, if you investigate. But you didn't. You heard the word "conspiracy", and decided it was "inflammatory". And still......didn't investigate further. But the truth is the truth, and this Solfeggio Frequency music, is not based on truth.
It's not about my feelings or my past or yours......it's just truth. It's just the facts.
That is why I say it is not ok.
That is why I said you are not investigating something before you say it.
And if you don't investigate on this small thing......what else are you not fully investigating and therefore promoting......unintentionally or not.
It's not responsible...and it's not facts. And it's not.....truth.