Next stop: Cult City
In part one, we dove into the beginnings of my descent into the underworld, or as I’ll call it here: Cult City. And actually, the Underworld as described in many religious traditions and mythology is far less frightening than the world of darkness I journeyed into.
Within the span of two years I found myself completely indoctrinated into 1) an acting class led by a narcissistically abusive “mentor” and 2) the Church of Scientology. What started as seemingly “good” and helpful concepts, were eventually perverted by subtle and methodical manipulation tactics and coercive control. This toxic cocktail was used to disarm my internal compass and slowly strip away my self-confidence and authentic identity.
Three...Two...One...Mind Control
“Mind control is the process of controlling people by mentally hijacking their rational thought processes.” This is described in detail in the book Combating Cult Mind Control, by Steven Hassan, PhD.
I do think the word “cult” is thrown around a bit too casually and often sensationalized and dismissed before people get a complete understanding of it’s definition and detrimental impact.
So let’s just get CLEAR (Scientology pun intended) on the definition of CULT before we go any further down this rabbit hole.
Shortly after exiting the high control groups I was in for over a decade, I discovered Hassan’s book. The author and founder of the Freedom of Mind Resource Center is an expert on Undue Influence, brainwashing and unethical hypnosis. He provides an excellent and accurate definition in Psychology Today:
“What exactly is a cult? Destructive individuals and cults use deception and undue influence to make people dependent and obedient. A group should not be considered a cult merely because of its unorthodox beliefs. It is typically authoritarian, headed by a person or group of people with near complete control of followers. Cult influence is designed to disrupt a person’s authentic identity and replace it with a new identity.
There are many types of cults: political, religious, self-help, large group awareness trainings, mini-cults (family or one-on-one), multi-level-marketing (MLM), conspiracy theory, commercial, and labor/sex trafficking.”
To better understand how or why someone ends up in a cult Hassan explains,
“No one joins a cult voluntarily; they are recruited into it. There is lack of informed consent. Everyone has vulnerabilities. Possible situational vulnerabilities include illness, the death of a loved one, breakup of an important relationship, loss of a job, or moving to another city, state or country. These, in turn, increase susceptibility to being recruited by a cult unless there are strong critical thinking, media literacy and good supportive network, which can help a person stay grounded.”
Other risks consist of:
Learning and communication disorders
Drug or alcohol problems
Trauma
Unresolved sexual issues
Phobias (fear of heights, drowning, sharks, aliens, terrorists, crime, etc.)
He summarizes some key points that include:
No one joins a cult; they are recruited by systematic social influence processes.
Destructive individuals and cults use deception and undue influence to make people dependent and obedient.
Not all influence is bad. There is a difference between due and undue influence.
Cult leaders are typically malignant narcissists and want people who will be obedient to them.
From Psychology Today
Hopefully Hassan’s information has given you greater perspective on such groups and their tactics. I encourage you to read the article in full, the book and further research the subject - especially his BITE Model which details the methods and techniques cults use for BEHAVIOR, INFORMATION, THOUGHT and EMOTION CONTROL.
Find other experts and explore their information on cults, high control groups and narcissistic abuse. Because unlike cults and their leaders, I enthusiastically support seeking knowledge from multiple sources. There is no single individual or organization that has all the answers. If someone tells you otherwise, RUN.
Primed and ready
For as far back as I can remember, my driving purpose in life has been to help people, to heal and empower humanity through my artistic voice and work. You could say I’m ferociously passionate about this, as well as believing in the human potential for greatness. Being deeply empathic coupled with an infinite curiosity for knowledge (both earthly and of the spiritual realms), you could absolutely define me as a seeker, a dreamer…and a vulnerable, open-hearted perfect candidate primed for recruitment.
I had been in LA just a few months before finding Gloria’s acting class. Having come out of the toxic world of (teen) modeling in New York, I knew I needed to surround myself with supportive, trustworthy people. I needed an artistic community that allowed me to stay focused and grounded in this new Hollywood landscape if I was ever going to fulfill my purpose. And, I was seeking sobriety and relief from the hard-partying lifestyle that had been wrecking my mind and body for years. I wanted to be around “good people,” artists who were serious about their work ethic, integrity, and desire to build careers that positively impacted the world.
Enter Gloria.
Immediately upon joining class and meeting Gloria, I was inundated with attention, praise, encouragement and special one-on-one time with my new mentor. On many occasions she invited me to stay at her house after class. We would talk for hours, she would cook dinner, we’d go out to eat or I’d accompany her to a play or other social event. I recall feeling so free and safe during that time, that I was being cared for, listened to and looked out for in a way I very much needed at the time. I trusted her.
She would ask me about my life: work, relationships, sex, my deepest fears, my traumas, my past…and I told her…everything. And of course, I felt immense gratitude and indebtedness to her for investing such extensive personal time and energy in me. Most of all, I felt special, because I didn’t see her giving this type of attention to any other students in class.
The dismantling started shortly after the love-bombing and data-mining. Slight passive-aggressive criticisms about how I dressed, the way I ate, walked, wore my makeup and hair, who I was dating, if I was dating, how I handled my finances, what side jobs I worked, how often I spoke to my parents and more happened both in private and in the presence of other students. I began to feel more self-conscious, guilty and ashamed. It was like I had all these things wrong with me that I needed to fix before I could work as an actor (or even deserved happiness). But I was reassured by my loving, caring mentor that she had the answers and would change all of that for me.
Groomed to perfection
These criticisms were replaced with a new set of beliefs and behaviors. In class, Gloria often discussed the Scientology concepts of: “suppressive people” (SPs) not wanting us to win and being the silent saboteurs of our life; our “havingness” (aka self-worth) being too low and that being the reason we weren’t booking; or that our “crimes” were keeping us down. The answer was often that we needed to address our personal integrity, our accountability and come clean about our transgressions. She also frequently alluded to family, friends or romantic partners being the suppressive people in our lives. It was becoming an “us vs. them” world.
Other ideology Gloria instilled in her students included: her discouragement of vacations and trips to see family; spending energy, time or money on anything/anyone not related to acting or class; and largely her discouragement of ever leaving class, eh hem, I mean “blowing” class (another Scientology term). Anyone who left class was considered a betrayer, abandoner and/or loser who couldn’t hack it, and would never make it without her. She more often than not executed a smear and disconnect campaign against those who left class (a Scientology tactic). And let me tell you, some of those smear campaigns were WILD. The students who remained in class were encouraged to unfollow, unfriend and un-know most of those who left.
There was also a focus on female students’ appearances. Women in class who took a more natural approach to their hair/makeup/style, were given all the reasons they were wrong for doing this. They were afraid of their power and sexuality or they were listening to some idiot man (be it the father or romantic partner) who was threatened by their looks and trying to keep them down. The answer: big hair, big jewelry, thick lashes and full glossy lips, preferably red. We needed to own with a capital ‘O’ and overtly use our sexuality, because that was our power. Sex sells.
But then the shift would inevitably happen. Without warning, Gloria would turn on a dime and attack the women in class with body image or weight issues. She accused them of trying to be sexy when they weren’t and “never would be,” denouncing their ways and declaring they would NEVER be a leading lady. Who the fuck did they think they were wearing an off-the-shoulder sweater or losing weight? How dare they even try? Clearly all they wanted was attention. All of this humiliation happened in front of their peers in a room full of 30 to 40 men and women.
At my first class Christmas party, I watched as several female veteran students and “officers” (Scientology again) received gifts of expensive skincare, makeup, clothing and jewelry all in that same token Gloria taste. This ritual involved students sitting on the floor watching veterans open their extravagant gifts one by one - and of course we had to ooooh and ahhhhh or we were called out for being a lowly jealous schmuck. Gloria proudly announced that the longer you were in class, the more gifts you received - she wanted to reward your loyalty.
Following these celebrations, if you didn’t wear the clothing, jewelry or makeup to class or praise her for her generosity and lavish her with admiration for the wealth of information she had, you were called out and shamed in front of class for being ungrateful, selfish, stupid and not being able to “have” the good things she was giving you. I mean, how the hell could you “have” a career if you couldn’t “have” some damn mascara?
Within a year of joining, I had begun to dress differently (in the same vein as Gloria’s all-black style) and wore heavier, glamorous makeup. I had stopped speaking to the few artist friends I’d had when I’d moved here - convinced they were going to sabotage my success. I had broken up with the man I was dating, and I was deep into my Scientology book courses. I rarely spoke to my family and stopped going home for the holidays (spending them at Gloria’s instead). I inhaled her lessons and rarely watched or read anything that she didn’t recommend. Dreamgirls was trash, Meryl Streep was overrated, Matt Damon was homely, and we don’t even know how that piece of shit film Inception got nominated for a Best Picture Oscar. The list of terrible artists and films went on.
Turbulence and the tornado of glitter
As I’ve mentioned, Gloria’s charismatic, glamorous persona could be quite captivating to the untrained eye. At first glance, her larger-than-life presence sparkled and spun around you. When you were in the center of her devoted, focused attention, you were bathed in light. It was so bright and beautiful you didn’t notice you were getting lost in the whirlwind of glitter. As it came closer, you were engulfed by a violent vortex of annihilation and mass destruction. This dog and pony show was an unpredictable, deadly force of nature.
It was about two years into my time with Gloria before I first encountered one of her explosions. It happened in private, while I was driving her home after rehearsal for a play we were doing. She accused me of having “unexpressed resentment” (Scientology term) towards her because I was not the lead. I was confused by this and felt guilty as I thought about it…Maybe it was true? Maybe I was a jealous resentful and ungrateful person??? I embarrassingly admitted to her that perhaps I was indeed resentful.
This is where I blacked out, disassociated and a fragment of my soul quickly escaped into another realm.
The pieces of that moment I do recall: gripping the steering wheel for fear of crashing, her arms flying violently about as I steeled my body in case of physical impact, the sound of primal rage that erupted out of her. I had never seen her treat anyone like this, I’d seen “tough” critiques in class, but this was terrifying.
In the days that followed, I was “handled” by other students, shamed by them for my behavior, guided to write an apology letter offering amends and drop if off at her house, and given complete silent treatment by Gloria. I was heartbroken. I’d let down and hurt the one person that truly cared about me and believed in me because of my selfish ego. I was deeply ashamed and quickly fell into old thought patterns of self-punishment.
This explosion was just a prelude of the emotional tyranny and physical violence that was to come.
Final destination: Indoctrination
Behavior control? Check.
Information control? Check.
Thought control? Check.
Emotional control? Check.
We’re here folks. After some mighty turbulence, we’ve made a safe landing and would like to welcome you to beautiful Cult City, the capital of the Underworld! Current temperature is about 100 degrees below sanity, so brace yourselves. Skies are slightly overcast with a 99% chance of torrential thunderstorms. We advise you to seek shelter as soon as possible and thanks again for flying with us today. Enjoy your stay.
Afterword
What I shared above is quite an abridged version of the breadth and depth of events that actually occurred. A lot happened in 14 years. It’s just too much for anyone to live through in one day.
While my time in Cult City led me to make many soul sacrifices, give my power away and stray farther and farther away from my true self, I am now in a place of absolute fucking freedom and fearlessness. I’ve become allergic to inauthenticity and deceit. I am not longer available for it, and I give a lot less fucks. Because my born identity, my purpose and connection with Source/God/the Divine are unshakeable. Those years of trauma catapulted me into viscerally remembering who I AM. I have touched evil, and I have thrived in spite of it.
To those of you who have lived or are living through similar circumstances: your power is insurmountable and you can absolutely come out of this worthy and whole. I believe you can, I know you can. You are much braver than you think. On your darkest days, remember I said this just as I remind myself of this on those days. You CAN wake up and walk out.
The healing process continues to reveal pieces of me I thought were lost forever. Like veils being lifted, this journey through the Underworld ultimately brought me back to my Self. Welcome home I say to my heart. Welcome Home.
If you would like more background information, check out this article in The Hollywood Reporter or find me on IG @abigailonfire and look for the podcast interviews at my link in bio. You can also listen to Season 4 of The Lucy & Annabel Show.
If you are looking for additional information on the topics discussed in Post-Cult Life, here are some resources that have benefited me:
the work of Steven Hassan, PhD. and his Freedom of Mind Resource Center
the work of Dr. Ramani
The Vow on HBO
WTF is on My Mind?! podcast
A Little Bit Culty podcast
Trust Me podcast
Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar.
Dysfunction Junction II
So much is coming back while reading these. Thank you for this and for helping to save others from her