Art changes everything
Last weekend, I went to the LA Art Show - a very welcome respite from the dense energy I’d been wading through in writing this series. What I needed was a good old-fashioned dose of ART - it’s love, joy, creativity and God in the physical form. It’s the transmutation of pain. It’s spirituality. It’s a higher frequency I feel most in harmony with after years of…well…you already know.
In fact, my first venture to the LA Art Show wasn’t until 2021, shortly after leaving the cults. There I was, an artist who’d lived in LA for almost 15 years, and had never been to the LA Art Show - hell, I had barely been to LA’s art museums. Aren’t actors (and all artists) supposed to explore other art forms to bring more breadth and depth to their work? Isn’t it life experience that informs their artistic point of view and work?
As I walked through the gallery booths, I was enraptured by the diversity of artwork. My eyes feasted on these delicacies as my soul sang. Energy radiated from these portals of color that led to other dimentions. And time became irrelevant as I found friendship and magic in the animal spirits who graced the canvases. I connected with eccentric, fascinating people. The sculptures, paintings and photography offered a buffet of perspectives on life, love and the nature of existence through a variety of cultural lenses. This is education. I felt alive, inspired and profoundly grateful as I got lost in a world of shapeshifting structure, form, flow, light and motion.
It was a moment of recognizing (and honoring) how different my life had become. I was reminded of the progress I’ve made as an artist and human since escaping a world of forced beliefs and controlled behavior. In my new life, colors are now more vivid, sounds are clearer, I actually FEEL my feelings (and subtle energies)…and most importantly, my natural born instincts and intuition that were so savagely raped and pillaged are now more than ever in tune. I am AWAKE.
Sleepwalking through the fog
It wasn’t until I left in 2021, that I saw how truly culty my life had become. After years of over-functioning I forgot what “free” time felt like. I forgot what it felt like to dictate my own schedule and decide how I wanted to spend my time. For the better part of those 14 years, I was in a state of frantic panic and fear. It was always go go go and hurry up! It was long-term sleep deprivation coupled with overworking - a combination of side jobs, running relentless (mostly unpaid) errands for my mentor, countless rehearsals for scene work and play productions, being an accountability coach for classmates (also unpaid), and the rigid schedule of Scientology study courses and auditing programs. If I slowed down at all, this was immediately addressed by my mentor as a problem. Something was wrong. Who was “suppressing” me? I must not want an acting career. I didn’t have what it takes. Others were getting ahead of me. I wasn’t working hard enough and needed to learn stamina, try harder, do more more MORE.
In that world of standard 16-18 hour days and always being kept “busy” I couldn’t and wouldn’t wake up to the manipulation and abuse. There was no opportunity to slow down, breathe or even digest the thoughts, emotions and experiences of day to day life. Being sleep-deprived and only allowed to eat on specified “breaks” in class and rehearsals, it was easy for the mind control and coercion to commence. I eventually became so exhausted I just did whatever Gloria wanted and agreed with whatever she said in order to avoid the public and private shit storms of anger and “handlings” that would befall me if I thought or did otherwise. And I witnessed other students doing the same, denying the reality a room full of students could see in order to appease Gloria’s will.
Yes, in true Narcissistic fashion - I was walking on eggshells. I did whatever I had to in order to avoid being humiliated and attacked…and survive. My nervous system was constantly overstimulated and completely dysregulated. I was sleepwalking through life in the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt so accurately described by Dana Morningstar in her book Out of the Fog.
If you’re not familiar with this type of dynamic - it is readily seen in HBO’s The Vow and Hulu’s Stolen Youth documentaries which I have mentioned in previous posts.
And I’d like to set something straight here - I am not against hard work, I’m a damn hard worker. And I’m not against working 16 hour days doing something I LOVE. What I am against is neglecting my physical and mental health in service to someone else’s agenda. A 16 hour day on set is glorious. A 16 hour day in the life I was leading is a nightmare.
A glimpse of clarity
Towards the end of 2018, I began noticing how severely isolated and angry I felt beneath the hustling and positive attitude I promoted socially. I was riddled with anxiety, paranoia and guilt while my body was plagued by frequent illnesses, aches and pains. I even had a slew of pretty severe car accidents. I had now also been single for nearly 10 years and had no meaningful friendships (or other relationships) outside of class.
I found myself starting to lie (omg, crimes!) to my mentor Gloria (and classmates) about my work and Scientology study schedules just to get away and catch my breath. After all, she couldn’t argue with my work schedule or wanting to devote myself further to the “religion” that paid her a commission each time I signed up for a course or service. I could barely see straight and that hamster wheel analogy feels like a pretty good description of where I was at during that time. It felt like floating through ether not knowing up from down, forward from backward, without knowing where I was going or why I existed. Truly losing myself. I was an alien in my own body and psyche. Wandering through this fog, I was nearing my breaking point and didn’t know how to get out.
Ironically, during one Scientology service, The Purification Rundown (only $2500), I began having strange sensations, feelings and unexplainable premonitions that would then subsequently happen within the following few days or weeks. It felt oddly familiar, but these sensations were always fleeting - lasting maybe a second before disappearing.
The “Purif” was a one to two month program that required DAILY healthy diet, exercise and several hours of sauna time in order to sweat out old toxins (radiation, drugs, alcohol, medications, pollution, etc.) It was also a requirement to be well-rested for the duration of the program. Yes, a glorious eight or more hours of sleep EVERY night for two whole months! Imagine that?!?
The joke of it all is in this rare pocket of time where I actually found solace and had proper rest, my perceptions started expanding. Dreams and memories started flooding in from childhood experiences. Something was bubbling up through the cracks, gently nudging me, reminding me. I was getting tiny glimpses of clarity through the fog. I sensed there were more answers and went off in search...
Finding truth in the desert
I have always LOVED being in nature. And feeling the depletion of the last several years had definitely taken its toll. I was wading through memories from a childhood spent running barefoot through creeks, fields and forests and just hanging out with the trees and animals. I was missing the sense of universal truth that I’ve only ever found in nature. Everything out there just IS without effort - it’s all just BEING. The trees stand, the flowers grow, the wind blows and creatures scurry and plod along all within the laws of nature.
In April 2019, I decided to take a solo birthday trip to the desert - no, not that kind of trip. I wandered off into the wilderness, sat in the dirt and sunned myself on the rocks. What resounded most was the silence. No people, no devices, no cars, no planes, no Spotify playlist - just silence and the sound of my boots on the trail. Occasionally the sound of wind whirling through the bushes or a crow’s cry pierced this silence. Even though I had been feeling so lonely and isolated, I found bliss out in this empty expanse of solitude.
I sat on a rock at the top of an overlook journaling while a giant Chuckwalla lizard sunned himself across from me for what felt like hours. We talked for a bit. My nervous system began to unwind and settle. The nuances of subtle energy forces swirling around me.
As the sun fell lower in the western sky, I set out on my final trek of the day climbing a mountain. Between the steep incline and rapid shift in elevation, I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. What if I died on this mountaintop alone? I wondered what it would feel like if I slipped and fell over the edge? What would my family do when they heard the news? How would my friends react? How would people remember me? Did I do enough? Was I good enough? I started to cry. I didn’t think I could make it to the top, and I certainly didn’t want to die. So I sat for awhile, breathing heavily and gathering my will as I took in the world around me.
The feeling when I arrived on the top of that mountain was the purest form of happiness I have ever felt. I was simply BEING in that moment. It was presence. It was peace. It was Oneness. As I stood there taking in this massive landscape that had miraculously been sculpted over millions of years by some unseen and unknowable force, I was mesmerized.
I was complete. Whole. Still. I loved every part of myself in that moment - all judgement, guilt and shame had faded away as I realized I didn’t need to be or do anything to have value, be worthy and live in happiness.
I let the forces of nature have their way with me; the wind whipping violently through my hair, the sunlight penetrating deeply into my bones. The simple act of gathering Earth in my hands and the sensation of it to sifting through my fingers felt like magic. The miracle of human existence was on full display. I was in a dance with the universe. Joy and laughter vibrated through my body and I embraced this state of pure freedom. THIS was what life was supposed to feel like.
When spirits speak, the soul remembers
Dear reader, I don’t know where you find yourself on the spiritual spectrum or what you believe in, but I’ve witnessed many [logically] unexplainable incidents in the first quarter of my life. It wasn’t until the last few years I remembered those. Today, I can say with absolute certainty that those cults caused a lot of psychic damage.
When the forced isolation of the pandemic came, I spent the majority of my “free time” meditating or driving off to the mountains, forest, or ocean for comfort. I couldn’t bare to watch the news or stare at the walls of my studio apartment any longer. The terror was real for all of us. I hiked and climbed for miles upon miles on those empty trails trying to escape the fear. But, I couldn’t outrun the tidal wave that was about to engulf me.
The mystical began happening en masse. The psychic floodgates burst open and suddenly I was hearing frequencies I’d never heard, receiving messages and guidance from all kinds of animals, angels, guides - it was noisy. What the actual fuck? Was I literally sitting here talking to a tree and asking Source/Spirit/God for a sign and then watching as it showed up with a blatantly loud bang? Yes, yes I was. Did I continually find myself guided in the “right” direction? Yes, yes I did.
I began working with a psychic medium (who used to do this work for the US Government), and with each experience I shared, she would excitedly confirm the reality of all these events.
Ultimately, the truth unfurled as my soul began remembering who I was. Once that happened, there was no going back. I watched as my world flipped upside down - the cognitive dissonance that occurs with a paradigm shift is no joke. I thought my brain would short circuit. I sprained my ankle then got so violently ill, I could barely get out of bed. Side note - I’ve never had a serious injury or surgery in my life except one minor ankle sprain in 7th grade. This was a resounding wake-up call. I got the fuck out of those cults as fast as I could, going complete no contact, and hid out at a friend’s place for a few days, lest anyone show up at my apartment to try and get me to come back - yeah it was like that.
A whole new world
There’s a lot mixed up with this cult experience and my process of waking up. It’s deeper than just escaping from those groups - though let’s not diminish that part! It’s the journey to remember my Self and the meaning of happiness. Or answering the question of what is happiness. It’s existential and completely devoid of ego. Transcendent. Universal. By no means am I claiming to have all the answers…if even an iota. Everyone is on their unique path to find happiness or even just peace. And that’s the one thing I see in all of us: we are all searching [for something].
I can say with complete confidence that no outward accomplishment, achievement, or award is worth more than this feeling of freedom and autonomy I have now. It is something I will never take for granted again. Being in tune with my heart’s frequency and the heartbeat of the Universe IS happiness for me. It isn’t anything material - though I do appreciate and very much enjoy those impermanent pleasures of human existence.
Freedom is life without soul sacrifices. Happiness is living with my heart open, in integrity and effecting positive change in the world around me. And, of course, it’ll always be up on that desert mountaintop. Here’s to all of us having the freedom to pursue happiness.
Heartfelt article Abigail. 💜
Wonderful descriptions including and especially of the experience and feeling of freedom and happiness.
Wow. Thank you for continuing to share you journey and healing. It's also helping me too.