What day is it again?
Well it’s that time between Christmas and New Year’s where everyone is full of cheese and we can’t seem to remember what day it is or what we’re supposed to be doing…at least according to social media.
I beg to differ.
In this space between the end of 2023 and the start of 2024 where the physical reality of time and space gets warped lies a treasure that is, perhaps, our greatest holiday gift.
Where I’ve been
It’s been [more than] a minute since I’ve posted here on Substack - BIG thank you to all you beautiful, supportive (and patient) readers. While I’ve started several articles, they’ve all just remained in the draft phase.
Nothing felt “right.”
I didn’t feel “right.”
About six months ago, I began dealing with pretty intense physical pain and nervous system issues, which led to a lot of fatigue, exhaustion, panic attacks and unexplained shaking episodes…among other things. Gotta love PTSD. And here I thought I was WELL on my journey to recovery! Don’t get my wrong, my business expanded with plenty of new opportunities and clients, sold-out workshops, several pieces of artwork sold, and I had my first gallery show. All major expansion. But outside of work, it felt like I was falling apart and getting hit with major setbacks in my recovery.
Spiritually, I’ve been navigating a massive death/rebirth cycle that’s included a series of prophetic dreams, shamanic journeys and otherworldly experiences. Many of my PTSD “symptoms” could also be attributed to spiritual awakening. I happen to believe it’s a bit of both.
As a result of these physical challenges, I had to really step up my recovery self-care. I added a cult recovery expert psychologist to my treatment plan once a week, while still seeing my EMDR therapist once a week. I began receiving acupuncture and cupping 2-3 times a week to address my physical pain and dysregulated nervous system as well as seeing other holistic healers. I withdrew from nearly all social engagements, cut down on client work and even cancelled several work-related events. I had to adjust my diet, add new supplements, and increase my sleep to 9-10 hours a night. It became quite an extensive cocoon phase of self-imposed isolation, and quite frankly, it’s still going (for at least another month or so).
Enjoy the Silence
With all the noise of our world today it is not only difficult to find silence, but it is difficult to just sit and BE in silence. We get restless. Surely there’s an email we need to send or a closet to clean. We have forgotten how to be still and how to be silent.
The silence allows our discomfort, our dis-ease, our pain and our lies to rise up and be heard. Sometimes things that may have been hidden from our conscious memories come bubbling up (and not always gently). This is especially true for former cult members and survivors of narcissistic abuse due to the nature of brainwashing, but also for anyone who has experienced trauma or abuse.
So I get it, the silence is scary AF. It’s waaay easier to continue moving, being productive and convincing ourselves that everything is fine, despite our bodies [and hearts] trying to tell us otherwise.
This is NOT sustainable.
Right now, while we’ve been gifted with this empty time and space - when it’s socially acceptable by hustle culture’s standards to slow down - I invite you to step away from the holiday noise of gluttonous feasting tables, excessive drinking, binge-watching and post-holiday shopping sales to step into and ENJOY the silence.
Put away your devices, stay home or go out alone in nature and tune-in to You. What truths is your heart and body trying to tell you? Can you feel what’s going on in your body? Can you identify the physical sensations? Can you identify your emotions?
Personally, I don’t think we as a collective, or science, even fully understand yet the depths at which trauma is stored in our cells. And by slowing down, sitting still and getting silent, we can begin to create space for those things to come up, process and be healed.
This is how we begin to wake up to our truth. This is also how I woke up to the fact that I was in a cult within a cult. This is how we awaken to what’s working in our lives and what’s not. This is how we awaken to our heart. This is how we know when it’s time to kill off our old self and step into our new self. Silence is your ticket to transformation.
Silence IS the greatest gift this holiday season has to offer.
A moment to connect
I’d like to share with you an exercise I teach in my meditation classes. This is something I encourage everyone to do daily - even twice daily! It also serves as an excellent enhancement to be done before and after meditation. It really gives you a tangible sense of progress. After all, we are human and we love the tangible.
Start by finding a space of silence. You can either sit or lie down. Close your eyes. Focus on your breath, taking slow rhythmic deep breaths that feel comfortable to your body. Listen to and feel your breath for at least five breath cycles. Then relax to a natural breathing rhythm.
Take your focus to the top of your head and slowly scan down through every body part to your feet, noticing any physical sensations you are feeling. You are taking an inventory of the state of your physical body in this moment. Is there any tension? Where is it? Is there any softness or openness? Where is it? Do you feel heat or cold? What about tingling, vibration, numbness? Notice as much as you can.
Next, do an inventory of all the emotions you are feeling in that moment. There may be more than one, they may be opposing, they may change and others come up. Allow it all without judging or criticizing yourself and without trying to figure out why you’re feeling them. Make this simple for yourself. Keep the emotions simple like: anger, fear, grief, joy, excitement, anxiety. As each emotion presents itself, ask if it is residing in a specific part of your body. Notice and observe your emotions.
When you are finished. Place your left hand over your heart and your right hand over your sacral chakra (a couple inches below your belly button) and say out loud “THANK YOU” to your body and your heart for all that it has communicated to you.
Please note: If you are a trauma survivor and closing your eyes is too triggering, leave your eyes open and find a single spot to focus on in the room. This could be a crystal, a flower, a solid-colored swatch of fabric, a painting or a spot on the wall. It is important that whatever you choose makes you feel safe.
This process takes about five minutes, but trust your own intuition on when each step and the process feels complete to you. Once you’ve finished, open your eyes and write down the sensations and emotions that you observed.
Sit in a final moment of contemplation if you feel called to do so. You can follow this exercise with your meditation of choice, journaling, or movement such as stretching walking, hiking or dancing. This allows space for any difficult emotions to process and/or be moved out. Once you finish your meditation, movement or journaling, you can repeat the exercise to observe if anything has changed or shifted.
Once you get into a regular practice of this exercise, you’ll find your self-awareness increases (both physically and emotionally). And by strengthening this muscle of self-awareness, you’ll build a deeper connection with your Self. You’ll begin to learn, experientially, how your emotions affect your physical body. Over time this can develop into knowing what truth feels like in your body. It becomes a doorway in your recovery and acts as a sort of roadmap to guide you on what your Self is ready to heal.
Try it and let me know how it goes!
Reborn in 2024
As I near the end of this gestational cocoon phase, A LOT has shifted and healed. I’m still getting to know this new Abigail, gently and slowly bringing her back out into the world, and I’m still getting clear on what life will look like moving forward. So as we collectively move into a new calendar year, and I individually move into a newer and more aligned version of me, you’ll notice some changes around here.
You can expect more frequent content, however, there won’t be a set schedule. I’ll be working from my intuition to discern when and what to post vs. sticking to a rigid schedule. There will also be a few surprises ;-)
And while the focus of Post-Cult Life will still be cult/trauma recovery from a spiritual perspective, there will definitely be more of an emphasis on the spiritual as I bring in more of my artistic work and business Sacred Healing Art. I am less interested in rehashing the stories of the past and more focused on moving forward by providing education, information and resources from my recovery, life experience and current work.
I’ll also be diving into how cult dynamics show up in our everyday lives and CULTure. Are we really as free[thinking] and autonomous as we believe?
Ultimately, the focus of my work here will be on AWAKENING.
Individually. Collectively.
Awakening to the truth. Awakening to our purpose. Awakening to Life.
As always, thank you SO MUCH for reading, sharing and supporting my work. If you are interested in learning more about the trauma-informed energy work, art and more that I offer, please email me at info@sacredhealingartla.com or you can book a session to work with me by visiting my website HERE.
Post-Cult Life is intended to inform readers about cults and narcissistic abuse as well as provide spiritual insights and perspective on healing from this specific type of complex trauma. As such, I discuss multiple healing modalities that work for me. If you’re curious to learn more about about those or have general questions, thoughts or ideas for future posts, you can email me at info@sacredhealingartla.com. Thank you for being a part of this community!
If you are looking for additional cult recovery resources and information on the nature of cults, here is what I have found to be accurate and useful:
right here on Substack.
the work of Steven Hassan, PhD. and his Freedom of Mind Resource Center
the work of Dr. Ramani
The Vow on HBO
WTF is on My Mind?! podcast
Trust Me podcast