At the crossroads
The last several months were the longest decade of my life. But I’m laughing as I emerge from that dark cocoon with an abundant sense of joy and gratitude. There’s something about being confronted with your trauma and wounded self that makes it impossible to go on living in ignorance and denial. I’d spent years mastering how to avoid, dull and numb pain, seeking the “cure” in other people and things (those culty years being brainwashed didn’t help either). Last fall it became overwhelming clear that that way of functioning was no longer sustainable. I was faced with the decision to keep bypassing it all and be miserable or to walk boldly through the fire.
I chose the latter.
Last summer marked the loss of a very important relationship in my life. So while focusing on the ol’ cult trauma recovery, there was the added bonus of processing grief, abandonment and reconciling jealousy, resentment and the ever-pervasive codependency. Yay! This amalgamation really ripped the band-aid off the wound(s).
Quite abruptly and all at once decades of unhealthy thought patterns, behaviors, unhealed wounds, generational trauma, and even psychic traumas began to surface. An influx of painful childhood memories surfaced. There were multiple times where it felt as though I was having a complete mental breakdown (or existential crisis). As I’ve come to learn, waking up from a cult opens the door to wake up to a whole lot more. Fun fact: this violent resurgence of these past issues is something cult exit counselors say is common in recovery: the re-emergence of pre-cult emotional or psychological issues.
I was desperate for a break from all the heaviness, but it was unrelenting. And it got worse - more losses, more endings, physical injury, and then Covid arrived as the cherry on top. It’s been a wild ride folks!
As is often the case with life challenges, I found myself at a crossroads. I was angry. Angry at the people who’d left and given up on me. Angry at myself for loving them. Angry they couldn’t “fix” me and wouldn’t save me. My heart was cracked wide open and I physically couldn’t avoid the weight of that emotional gunk anymore. I threw my hands up in surrender and chose the proverbial path of least resistance.
This work is not for the faint of heart.
I begrudgingly began to accept that no one was coming to save me. That stupid fucking cliché was right. I was actually going to have to do this myself?!? Gross. I was going to have to sit in this filth and deal with it?!? With zero idea of how I would do this, I just started walking forward on this unknown path. I put one foot in front of the other, and showed up to life (and therapy) in whatever hot mess state I was in.
Spoiler alert: it worked.
Learning to save myself, is one of the most powerful lessons I’ve experienced. It feels like the greatest gift of my life. I say experienced and not learned, because I believe these core truths of healing and wellbeing in life are experiential. Reading or hearing about them isn’t it - it must be lived-in, felt emotionally and physically, for one to come to know and embody it. And as I continue this work, I’m witnessing a soul-level revolution - becoming this woman who has a level of self-trust, love, confidence and empowerment that I don’t think I’ve ever known.
Spiritual transformation, art and healing
“The Soul is a very perfect judge of her own motions, if your mind does not dictate to her…The soul’s deepest will is to preserve its own integrity, against the mind and the whole mass of disintegrating forces. Soul sympathizes with soul.”
- D.H. Lawrence (1923)
It’s no secret here that I subscribe to the belief that healing involves more than just addressing our mental health through psychological paradigms. It is equally as important, if not more so, to address our soul health through spiritual paradigms.
Part of my soul health is my spiritual practice, and I’d been getting the intuitive nudge to further develop that and, specifically, deepen my Shamanic practice. Now that I was actually listening to (and trusting) my gut and the whispers of my heart it, I signed up to work with
of TOTEM Readings in her Spiritual Transformation Program. The first shamanic journey I did in the program cut straight to the point. I met my animal guide for the work - a creature I’m highly afraid of in real life - and she said, “Well it’s time to face the monsters under the bed,” rather matter-of-fact like it was no big deal despite my hysterical crying. My new spirit helper for this work hit the nail on the head. And she wasn’t kidding! It got real…real fast!Over the next couple months of the program, I continued to lead myself to deeper truths and healing. As mentioned, a number of childhood memories returned that have proven to be paramount in my progress. It’s one of the things I love most about the Shamanic perspective - it is a path of direct revelation (completely experiential) and because of my upbringing filled with Pagan, Shamanic and Buddhist influences, it really felt like coming home to myself. I mean, it is the oldest living spiritual practice found in the histories of every culture around the world. And unlike a cult where you are programmed and brainwashed into a belief system (that really only serves the leader), this work is all about finding (and experiencing) my own truth, beliefs and self-actualization both emotionally and somatically. Then the best part is discovering how to apply your insights logically and tangibly in everyday life. Throughout the program, Rachel allows you to move at your own pace, providing a wellspring of resources while encouraging you to find your own answers, autonomy and healing. You can learn more about Rachel’s work HERE.
During a particular rough patch last fall, Rachel introduced me to a fellow coaching client,
, also an artist and intuitive, with whom I had the pleasure and gift of receiving an intuitive art session.The session included Laura channeling some sketches for me while I sat in meditation. As I listened with my eyes closed to the music she was playing and the sound of her pen gently tapping and gliding across the paper, I began seeing images of a path. Since I’d been feeling quite stuck and lost for the last few months, I’d been asking my Higher Self and spirit guides for guidance on where/what/how to move forward. What was my path to move forward?
As the last song came on, emotion erupted out of me as tears of gratitude and remembrance poured out of my eyes. As someone who physically feels music, I was moved by and reminded of the power of music, of all art, to heal and transform us. After leaving the cult within a cult, I struggled with finding my artistic voice and the grief of realizing I didn’t spend all those years working towards my goals as an artist and actor, I’d spent them serving the needs of a malignant narcissist.
When Laura revealed the sketches to me, I was astounded to see the same path that appeared before me in the meditation. This experience spoke not only to the power of telepathy and interconnectedness, but to the power of art and that being an artist is to be in service to humanity. That our heightened sensitivities, idiosyncrasies, and eccentricities are the keys to our work that give voice to the experiences others cannot express. They are the Universal Genius flowing through us because we are open to receiving it. It reminded me of my purpose in a time when I deeply needed my creative fire to be reignited. There were five sketches in all. A beautiful progression of my path becoming clearer and more concrete. I keep them near my desk where they serve as a daily reminder of my path forward and my purpose to serve something greater than myself through art.
You can find more of Laura’s artwork HERE.
The experience reminded me, again, of the experiential nature of art - both in creating it and receiving it as the audience. It reminded me of the capacity of art to stir our hearts. There is something mystical about the process of creating - it’s not logical, it’s intuitive and for me has always been about what feels right in the moment. There’s Divine inspiration as many of our world’s greatest artists have spoken about.
“…we are ‘metaphysically attuned to laws of existence, not realistically attuned to external facts’ and…‘ancient symbolism’ exists in each of us.”
- Shaun McNiff quoting Hans Prinzhorn (1972), Art as Medicine (1992)
Art is the gift that shifts our minds, getting us to explore alternative perspectives and solutions. I think it is mistake to view art from an intellectual or critic’s perspective. It’s not about the level of technical skill, intellectual prowess or if it looks cool - those things can all be appreciated, even celebrated, but they do not move us.
All art is storytelling - whether written, painted, sculpted or acted. We relate and connect with our hearts, not our brains. Emotion motivates us into action, not thought. Art provokes the audience to go within, to engage in a dialogue with it. Every person will have a different experience with it. It is not content to be consumed, it is Source energy, soul expression manifested into physical form. It creates space and pause. There is Divine wisdom in the stories and imagery as it taps into the soul’s autonomy and instinct to heal itself.
“…when the soul is lost, art comes spontaneously to its assistance…The creative imagination acts spontaneously as its own savior….Images and the artistic process are the shamans and familiar spirits who come to help people regain the lost soul…The salvation of soul comes when people engage their environment. Depth is in the textures, colors and movements of actual things.”
- Shaun McNiff, Art as Medicine (1992)
Your trauma is your super power
To my fellow brilliant beings who are in the midst of trauma recovery, I hope you come to know the deep levels of courage, resilience and superpowers you possess by walking through this healing journey. This is your reminder not to give up!
The key to unlocking this superpower is acknowledging the trauma and choosing to address and heal it. Yes, it is not fair that after being abused, attacked and violated we now have to go through the painful [and sometimes very long] process of healing it, but I promise you on the other side of the Dark, there is so much Light. There IS a path forward that leads to inner peace, feeling safe and returning to joy.
There is something that happens when we begin to reconcile the physical and emotional pain and suffering of our experience. We begin to investigate the dynamics of being “victimized” and what that entails. How could this happen to me, what did I do wrong? Why me? Did I deserve this? How will I ever be able to trust again? Will I ever be happy?
In my particular case [and in Scientology’s ideology] I believed that any time something “bad” happened to me, it was my fault. I brought it in, I was being suppressed, self-sabotaging or I was being punished for wrongs I’d done in the past (including past lives). I’ve also seen this perspective, unfortunately, a bit too often in the messaging of the spiritual/self-help fields. This is victim-shaming, no other way around it. A child being abused, victims of mass shootings, women being kidnapped and human-trafficked…yeah…not their fault. Bad, unfair, horrendous things of varying degrees happen every day and it’s NEVER the victim’s fault. PERIOD. Victim-shaming [and throwing toxic positivity] on people’s traumas is insulting, invalidating, disempowering and often times re-traumatizing. And perpetuating a mindset of self blame definitely won’t lead to recovery or any sense of autonomy and freedom.
You can’t high-vibe yourself out of tragedy. It’s part of the human experience.
However, it can serve us much more greatly to approach healing with an acceptance that life is unfair, that what happened was terrible, and then allowing space for all the feelings to be felt and validated. Then gently asking, How do I feel about what’s happened? Am I ready to heal this? What would my life look like if I did/didn’t? Can I forgive the other person(s)? Can I forgive myself? Do I believe I can find safety, trust, love and peace? Do I believe I’m worthy of that? Are there lessons I can learn about myself through surviving this?
This, in essence, creates a roadmap for healing.
Everyone’s process will be different and there is no “one way.” The answers to these questions will often change along the path, but ultimately, you will always find your answers within. By asking these questions of yourself and taking this inventory, you’re creating the guideposts to your healing and what you need. You’re reclaiming your power by placing the decision-making back in your hands. You are restoring control. You get to decide how, when and if you even want to forgive them.
For me, forgiveness was essential in getting unstuck and moving forward, so it gets a five star review from me, but it’s ultimately your decision. I’m not you. I don’t know your experience and unlike our abusers, I wouldn’t dare force you to do something you don’t want to do and aren’t ready for. I want you to exercise your freewill. Because its YOUR recovery on your terms on your timeline. And for the record, forgiving does not equal excusing or allowing what our abusers did to us. Period.
The first stop on my roadmap was feeling absolutely everything - emotionally and physically. After years of dissociating, I had to get back into communion with my mind and body. As I felt, I identified and created awareness - truth be told this part was really ugly and there was a lot of screaming and crying. Anger, grief, guilt, shame - it all came up. Shout out to the loved ones who held me in these moments. Once I was able to recognize those emotions, I spent the next year or so learning (and putting into practice) emotional regulation.
Then, finally, my body (and nervous system) felt safe enough to communicate the trauma that resided within. That work began last summer and is still very much in progress. I’ve relied on energy work, acupuncture, movement, drumming and am gearing up to return to dance and yoga more regularly.
I’ve lovingly nicknamed the last year “The Great Purge” as so much erupted out of me for final release. I encourage any of you in recovery to explore how you can effectively release. It may involve sharing your story with others and speaking out, doing advocacy work, taking legal action, channeling it into creative outlets, and/or volunteering to help others in need. Being of service is a great way to gain perspective, gratitude, and shift focus out of negative thought loops and self-destructive patterns. It interrupts the rhythm. Again, you get to choose what feels right for you to do.
The other thing that happens along the way, is the realization that we’ve been navigating the darkness, and even getting comfortable in it. We get familiar with the unknown and gain the lived-in experience of sitting with and transmuting despair, hopelessness and rage that chokes us. We know a dysregulated nervous system and the resulting confusion when our traumatized bodies betray us. We even know the feelings of abandonment, betrayal and grief that happen when the people we love and trust lack the capacity to support us through the darkness. We’ve been up close and personal with humanity’s capacity for evil. We’ve come face to face with the monsters under the bed. Both ours and our abuser’s. And perhaps, we’ve have even stared death in the face.
Like a wounded warrior after a great battle, we’ve lived through hell. We’ve been cracked open, left raw and vulnerable. Yet here we are, still standing, breathing and living despite it all. We’re still here. We’re still going. There’s an experiential wisdom gained that NO ONE can take away from us. And many can’t even fathom. Society is programmed to avoid pain. We are constantly seeking sources to alleviate, block or numb pain. But without the ability to acknowledge it, move through it and release it we are left prisoners of it. We remain victims controlled by the past, our fears and limited beliefs. We can be easily manipulated by others’ agendas and ultimately lack the capacity to heal and trust ourselves.
In finding courage to walk through the darkness, face the monsters under the bed, integrate and love our Dark, we find freedom. We evolve into sovereign souls.
You can’t buy that kind of power. It is literally a Superpower.
So yes, to all you trauma survivors out there, you’re a superhero! You are gifted with empowerment and the capacity to safely and confidently support yourself and others who are navigating this harrowing terrain. There’s a heightened sensitivity and compassion that develops. What so many need in those times is not the unsolicited advice on how to “fix” the problem, but someone to listen, see them and validate the reality of their experience.
“Our job is to lovingly help people feel pain. Pain is how we change and being uncomfortable is how we grow…Minimizing pain is one of the great codependent mechanisms…by trying to make things positive for other people, we are slowing down their progress. ”
— Psychologist Dr. Michael Gervais
The above is from a a recent podcast. It’s a fascinating, insightful and informative interview if you’d like to watch it HERE. It speaks to the lack of emotionally maturity of our culture. I see it as a great detriment to society that so many are unable to compassionately witness and address pain.
There is enormous healing power in being able to sit as a Sacred Witness and lovingly help someone feel their pain. There is a gentleness present that is not often found in our overstimulated, overmedicated world. As your trauma survivor superhero Self, I hope you honor yourself for having this superpower. The capacity to show up for others in this way is perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give humanity, especially right now.
Support along the way
In my own healing process, the added bonus of being highly sensitive, empathic and psychic has definitely kept things interesting (and intense). Returning to my spiritual roots, incorporating energy work, sound healing, intuitive guidance, and becoming a Reiki practitioner have all served to strengthen my own energetic hygiene, balance my sensitivities, develop my emotional and intuitive attunement, and ultimately position me to be of service to others who are also on the path to awakening and healing.
In many spiritual traditions, including Shamanism, most mental and physical dis-ease originates in the energy field before manifesting in the body. This has been a long held belief of mine as well, and probably why I’m so passionate about the importance of caring for our energy bodies in healing and recovery.
If this resonates with you and you’d like to incorporate more spiritually-based modalities and trauma-informed energy work into your recovery roadmap, let’s work together. Email me for more information or book a session via my website HERE.
There IS a path forward. You CAN go from survivor to thriver. You ARE a Superhero.
Post-Cult Life offers a spiritual perspective and approach to trauma recovery, deprogramming from modern day cult dynamics, the awakening process and finding your freedom (and true Self). Insights and opinions are based on my experience with narcissistic abuse and time in “a cult within a cult." Thank you for being a part of this community!
For more on my personal experience, refer to my first few posts. If you are looking for additional cult recovery resources, experts and information on coercion and mind control, here is what I have found to be accurate and useful:
the work of Steven Hassan, PhD. and his Freedom of Mind Resource Center
the work of Dr. Ramani
The Vow on HBO
WTF is on My Mind?! podcast
Trust Me podcast
the work of Rick Ross
the work of Dr. Janja Lalich
I am not a licensed mental health provider or medical professional. The views and opinions expressed here are not intended to diagnose or treat any mental/physical condition. If you are struggling and need help, please consult a licensed medical or mental health professional or call/text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988. If your life is in danger, please call 911 immediately.
Rachel, thank you for sharing this and the great intro! Woohoo! Here’s to the world of woo and art!
What a beautiful and powerful post! I'm humbled by our shared experience. Thank you for such kind words. I left our session incredibly inspired and excited to see where this artistic channeling wants to go. Yes, cheers to the world of woo and art!