Transiting the Void
When clarity doesn’t come
Despite hours upon days of writing, nothing that I wanted or intended was showing up for today. It felt like jumbled ramblings with no clear or cohesive structure. I’ve been forcing, pushing, squeezing, clinching…trying to give birth to something that just was not ready. And all the pushing only resulted in my own breakdown and burnout. My strangled creative energies withered. Self-doubt reared its ugly head. And I beat myself up for not showing up to all of you with an expertly crafted piece of literary perfection.
Hold on.
Didn’t I tell myself the point of this was to show up as I am and where I am in this healing journey no matter what? Didn’t I say Post-Cult Life is about the light and dark of the healing journey? Also, fuck this exhausting cycle of having to course correct away from self-punishment, guilt and fear over and over again.
With my mind and body pretty ragged, I took a very pregnant pause and walked away. Wow. I actually took a break (that’s new). I spent my time just BEING. Being lost in the dark. Floating through the abyss. Surrendering to the forces of the infinite, and allowing this lack of momentum, direction and purpose to be what it was. Hey Shadow, let’s dance. I released control and accepted that I didn’t have the answers.
Welcome to The Void.
It’s all part of the process. The definitely more uncomfortable and often painful part, but the wisdom found in this vast nothingness is profoundly transformative.
If clarity is nowhere to be found, the best thing [I’m learning] to do is show up anyway.
STOP. BE. Come as you are.
So I am showing up to you as I am here and now in this moment, which is definitely not my best, without apology or guilt. I’m in the metaphorical dark being reassured by one of my animal guides [black panther] that I must enter and get intimate with The Void in order to move forward. No more trying to figure it all out, micromanage the universe and forcefully try to expedite my healing and be done with it already. Nope. There will be no bypassing. It’s time to slow down and enter the unknown. Retreat to the cave. Embrace the emptiness. Listen and observe. It might get ugly, scary or weird, but I’m here for it.
Nightmares
Let’s time travel for a moment. We’re going to jump on back to last week, Tuesday morning, March 7:
It’s just after 7am (and I like to rise before the sun). I’ve been rudely awakened by my fourth consecutive PTSD dream. I was back in that horrific acting class, suppressed in a society of silence with no idea how or why I ended up back there. Beyond that, I saw several people there who had also left class and couldn’t understand why they were back in and why everyone was all smiles and continued to pretend Gloria was God. The mood felt sinister. And I was trapped. What was underneath those forced smiles and obedience? I knew exactly what lie beneath the surface.
As Gloria screamed at me for one thing or another, I ran out the theatre door. Then cue the classic nightmare plot point: a strange man dressed in black follows me into a dark alley. As I approach my car he slinks and creeps, somewhat hesitantly, towards me. His eyes are dead set on me while his face is a contorted mix of emotions: fear, sorrow, hope and evil. I’m terrified and frozen my heart is racing and I’m desperately trying to think how I can defend myself and escape…then I wake up.
You know that falling sensation you get that suddenly jerks you awake? That’s how I come back to reality. A full body convulsion. My body tense and sore. My breath a little too fast and shallow with this heaviness in my chest. I am exhausted and anxiously alert while I look around my room, reacquainting myself with where I am, what day it is and that yes, in fact, I am not in a cult. This is what a dysregulated nervous system feels like. It’s a super fun way to start your day by the way! Ugh.
It’s now hours later, I’m still scattered, irritable and am having trouble focusing in order to accomplish any of the tasks/goals I wanted to for today. Sitting outside underneath the pine tree in my courtyard I breathe and use the earth to center and ground myself. There’s actually an extensive routine that follows one of these episodes to get my body back to a place of calm: eating a full meal with lots of fresh produce and protein, herbal tea, walking/sitting outside, meditating, tapping, self-Reiki, a salt bath, journaling and Solfeggio frequency music. And I call up as much mindfulness and self-compassion as I can to alleviate the shame I feel around starting my day later than I had intended.
It can take hours to recalibrate and avoid any subsequent panic attacks. Days like this usually happen without warning and there’s no set timeframe. They can even last a couple weeks. And for all of my hours spent in Scientology auditing to clear my reactive mind, there is no escaping the hypervigilance, paranoia, anxiety, anger, the inability to slow down and severe exhaustion that plagues me. It’s not just complex cult trauma. There’s a garden variety of hidden wounds that get triggered. And once you’re awake, it’s impossible to hide from yourself, your trauma and your ego. You just have to open the door to your heart and go through it. This takes WORK.
Ok. Let’s fast forward back to the present:
Right now I feel inclined to tell you that it gets easier every day, but the meltdown I experienced last week sure didn’t feel like things were getting any easier. Maybe it’s just that I’ve gotten used to these “upsets” and gotten better at coping. In any case, I do believe it get’s easier.
This is the way of healing. You’re up, you’re down. You’re everywhere and nowhere. The Recovery Rollercoaster.
Wading through murky waters
I spent 14 years believing I was building a career I was deeply passionate about thinking the only reason things hadn’t taken off for me was because I was “an idiot, stupid, stubborn, selfish, self-involved, a victim and a saboteur.” Yes, verbatim, I was repeatedly called all of those things many times over by my abusive mentor Gloria. Naturally, because I was such a “terrible person,” I believed I wasn’t worthy yet of receiving the success I was working so hard to attain.
What a delusion.
To realize upon leaving her class that I’d actually spent 14 years in service to a vampiric narcissist’s demands was…embarassing and devastating. The loss was palpable.
I’m still reconciling with that. There is a significant amount of grief to process. And anger. A LOT of anger that I am just coming to terms with - both at myself for not getting out sooner and at Gloria for clearly exploiting me [and hundreds of others]. It feels like I lost time. And what does that mean for the life I wanted to create for myself? What does my future look like now? Are the things I planned to do even still possible? IS it too late?
It’s true, wading through all this muck and mire is challenging. The shedding of self-doubt, anger, judgement and programmed beliefs about myself while creating a new healthy life requires patience and moving through life much slower than I prefer.
In The Void everything moves slower. The noise of everyday life, of living in LA, of being in the entertainment industry is absent. It’s eerily quiet. It gives me the stillness required to get deep into communion with my shadow.
And what does that look like?
For me, it’s crying and shaking on the floor of my shower while holding myself saying, “I love you, you’re ok, I love you.” I’m screaming in my car until my voice breaks or beating my buffalo drum, howling and chanting as I stomp around my apartment releasing anger and blame. It’s not returning calls or texts and becoming a recluse because going out in public feels too overwhelming. It’s entering the black holes and seeing all of my “ugly” traits: envy, spite, rage, hate and unworthiness. Oh God, and then I start a conversation with each of them as I work towards processing and releasing them. It’s nothing short of a deep dive into the dark side of human consciousness.
Chaos, the cosmos and where the truth lies
Going from complete cult dependence (gross!) to instantaneous independence is hard to describe; it’s certainly surreal. I would compare it to being in solitary confinement for a decade then suddenly being released into a utopian paradise full of laughter, love, celebration, and an extensive three-Michelin-Star dinner buffet. It’s really fucking weird.
One of the things that happened when I gained my independence was this unquenchable desire to experience EVERYTHING I couldn’t before. As a free woman, life seemed full of infinite possibilities. The world was my oyster and I wanted to explore all of it all at once - I had to make up for lost time and FAST! There was so much to do and accomplish.
I devoured books and online courses, trained in multiple forms of energy medicine, joined a new acting class, returned to writing, purged over half of my belongings, adopted my dog Hero, built meaningful new relationships with so many authentic honest people (omg they’re really out there!), learned multiple new trades, returned to painting, started selling my artwork, started my own business…and it just kept going. In short, my mind and my life exploded into a beautiful multiverse right out of Everything Everywhere All at Once.
Amazing things have transpired since finding my freedom. And yet, the chaos of the past is hard to shake. I still find myself subconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will I be attacked for how and with whom I choose to spend my time and money? Is it really safe to be ME? Is another narcissistic or toxic environment waiting around the corner to pull me back under? Then there’s that incessant voice, “Hurry up, you’re behind, hurry up, get to work, you have to catch up, you have nothing to show for your life and you’re well over 30. You’re not working hard enough, get going you dumb bitch!”
This is a frantic, panicked energy that I have to keep in check in order to preserve my peace as I move forward. I’m learning the practice of discernment, along with regular therapy, are essential tools in distinguishing my own thoughts from those culty feedback loops. It’s all about getting to the truth - of this new physical reality, of my heart, mind and soul. It’s learning what truth feels like in my body and repairing the psychic damage and injured instincts. Ultimately, all the nightmares, panic attacks, sobbing fits and breakdowns have prompted me to acknowledging my shadow and get into dialogue with all those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. And that is where I uncover the truth. That is when I remember who I am.
Just as the Chaos of The Void gave birth to the Cosmos, I am giving birth to a new universe. You are bearing witness to the cosmic dust settling and the creation of order. A new existence and future are taking shape. It still feels unsteady and a bit all over the place as I navigate through the infinite trying to avoid impact with some destructive galactic force.
Keep calm and hang on.
I’ll leave you with a giant everything-bagel sized THANK YOU for your patience and support as I stumble through trauma recovery (and it’s physical and mental setbacks) to bring you truth and something of value I hope ultimately serves our highest good. Yes, I had to throw in another Everything Everywhere All at Once reference because that film brought truth and a valuable message that serves humanity in a deep way. And if we aren’t here to better ourselves and each other and find the truth of what really matters, what are we doing?
Thank you for reading, subscribing and sharing this series, and thank you for your messages and comments. Please continue to share your thoughts as I’d love to create a dialogue and support system for those of us who need it. We have much more to discuss and more work to do in healing ourselves and each other.
If you would like more background information on the above mentioned cults, check out this article in The Hollywood Reporter or find me on IG @abigailonfire and look for the podcast interviews at the link in my bio. You can also listen to Season 4 of The Lucy & Annabel Show.
If you are looking for additional information on the topics discussed in Post-Cult Life, here are some resources that have benefited me:
the work of Steven Hassan, PhD. and his Freedom of Mind Resource Center
the work of Dr. Ramani
The Vow on HBO
WTF is on My Mind?! podcast
A Little Bit Culty podcast
Trust Me podcast
Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar.