Independence(?) Day
Yeah it’s the day everyone is celebrating our “independence” and “freedom” here in the U. S. of A. And for some reason Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” has been playing ad nauseam in my head all morning - say what you will, but it’s a catchy tune. It conjures up images of good times, the American parties with people in backyards and on boats maybe having one too many drinks and setting off illegal fireworks…
In this Post-Cult Life, however, Independence Day hits different.
I’ve spent many hours contemplating these concepts of freedom and independence. What do they really mean? Do we have freedom of thought? What about free will? Codependancy vs. true Independence. What does that look like? Feel like? And trauma, how does that play a role in all of it?
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Are our thoughts and behaviors truly OURS or really just trauma responses or the result of fear-based programming, propaganda or even mass hypnosis? The effects of trauma and PTSD on our brains, body and behavior are well documented by science. And for fellow survivors out there, we know the feeling of being trapped and at the mercy of dysregulated nervous systems, anxiety-ridden thought loops, and other trauma symptoms.
It’s no secret that the world is in a hot mess state of chaos at the moment-which dare I say might be the result of collective unresolved trauma. And perhaps we might benefit from focusing more on healing, education and resolution than the alternatives that are blatantly and abundantly on display.
While I’m no expert in trauma recovery, I’ve got a wealth of lived-in experience and wisdom from which to draw. And I’d like to offer a perspective that might help us navigate these wildly unpredictable [and often dark] times so we can all come out of this alive, relatively sane and with a chance for harmony.
Healing = freedom
As I’ve been moving through my own healing, I have often been confronted with people who don’t understand “how I joined a cult.” Well, as many experts will tell you, no one just joins a cult. (Check out my resources list at the end of this post for more info on that.) They would always ask “Why?” in the same way that people will ask addicts why they just can’t quit and ask domestic abuse victims why they didn’t just leave.
That question was [for a long time] extremely re-traumatizing for me, as it is for many abuse survivors. Having family, friends and romantic partners who don’t understand trauma symptoms or how to respond to them [without also getting triggered] is frustrating for all involved and can also be re-traumatizing.
These last few years, whether in work or life, I’ve also being confronted with people who were unaware of, in denial of, or not reconciling their trauma(s).
And this brings me to…Becoming a Trauma-Informed Human!
The more I have educated myself on the psychology and physiology of trauma, what it means to be trauma-informed and the more healing work I did on myself…I subsequently started to notice others’ unhealed wounds, projections, and triggers. And I stopped being re-traumatized and started taking things less personally. I started taking greater accountability for myself and developed better resourcing for my own triggers, which meant I was less affected by them more of the time than not.
Major win! Freedom!
Furthermore, as I wrote about before in The Path Forward, I was able to show up differently for clients, friends and family. I was learning how to act as a Sacred Witness for others. Having that capacity to allow someone to express their full range of emotions, to be seen and heard without judgement, without trying to fix them and without disempowering them with pity and victimhood is a POWERFUL gift. It is giving someone else the freedom to discover their truth and heal on their own terms and rebuild their sense of personal agency.
So let’s break this trauma thing down
Nearly ALL of us have core wounds and unmet needs and we ALL have a Shadow. So let’s stop pretending we don’t, OK?
This is not about becoming “perfect” or “fully healed” or any kind of emotional/spiritual superiority (or masking disassociation as spiritual enlightenment).
This is about recognizing the wounded parts of ourselves, building awareness, resourcing, cultivating compassion and love so that we are in a position to elevate others who need support.
According to the World Health Organization around 70% of adults globally will experience a potentially traumatic event in their lifetime, and according to the CDC, 61% of a adults have experienced at least one Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) and 1 in 6 adults experience 4 or more ACEs with females and several racial/ethnic minority groups being at higher risk for 4 or more ACEs.
Trauma can be defined as anything that overwhelms our capacity to cope and respond or leaves us feeling helpless, hopeless or out of control.
Gabor Maté describes it so clearly and simply:
So, no need for these trauma competitions. Everyone’s nervous system, environment and lived-in experiences are different. And this is why only YOU can decide if something was a trauma.
So A LOT of humans have trauma, maybe even the majority of the world based on the statistics above. What would happen if those people became trauma-informed? What if just this process of getting educated, led the majority of them to resolving their own trauma? What would our world look like? We are currently living in very divisive times, but trauma could be an opportunity to move from Separation into Oneness. To see the wounded parts of ourselves in others, and to offer ourselves and each other deep nurturing and love. Could recognizing the sameness in our wounds actually prove to bring humanity closer if approached through healing, love and compassion?
Become a trauma-informed human
A few weeks ago (June 1) I posted something on instagram stories after an experience that left me feeling angry and let down. So how did I feel, express, process and transmute that anger and pain in a constructive and healthy way? Writing…naturally. :)
The words feel imperative for us all right now. Despite all the ugliness that I have experienced and witnessed in life, in my heart and soul I believe humanity can heal, and we can live more harmoniously. A shift in Consciousness.
Here is the text in full:
Become a trauma-informed human.
No only will you start to understand yourself more, but you’ll be able to understand others more. You’ll become a better parent, sibling, lover, friend, boss, coworker…all of it.
Yesterday marked three years since leaving an abusive culty group. While I’ve been doing so well and feeling happy. Healing and growing. The ol’ nervous system decided to “remember” it was three years ago…
It can knock you on your ass. And if you have people in your life who are educated in how trauma changes brain chemistry, the body and nervous system response, and your energetic body then they’ll know how to best support you when something gets triggered.
I’ve experienced and witnessed the judgement, shaming, resentment, and labeling that happens when people don’t understand another’s trauma…or their own responses to it.
I’m not here to be a victim or ask for sympathy or pity. That’s disempowering. Not even asking for a “good job.” I just want to educate about the journey and advocate for building a more informed, emotionally-intelligent and compassionate world.
The last three years have been me showing up consistently to doing the work to heal and become the best version of myself, to rebuild my relationships, develop emotional regulation, intelligence, and self-awareness.
IN THIS EARTH SCHOOL WE’RE STUDENTS OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE.
We are each other’s teachers, mirrors and sacred witnesses.
We are here to learn from each other.
I don’t know a human alive who hasn’t experienced trauma. This isn’t a trauma competition, we’ve ALL been through it and we all have the capacity to take responsibility for how/when we heal from it. Humans are, by nature, incredibly resilient. So can we just STOP blaming, judging and shaming?
Instead of allowing ourselves to be triggered by someone else’s reactivity, being trauma-informed gives us the wisdom to take a second, breathe, recognize it’s not personal, set aside the Ego, and resolve any conflict in a healthy way.
And by the way, your anger is healthy. It has wisdom to give you. Listen.
And by the way, there is no endpoint or healing finish line. It’s ongoing. It’s Earth School. So stop expecting yourself and others to be perfect.
Life is beautiful, but it will also throw us shit sandwiches. Those shit sandwiches aren’t your fault and you didn’t deserve them.
Have the courage to LOVE the dark and light within you and others.
The world could definitely use more of that.
The freedom to choose
The bottom line is I/we have all been and have the capacity to be the perpetrator and the victim. We are Dark and Light. We are all the grey in between. We are forgiveness and acceptance. We are all the full expression of the Universe: LOVE.
We get to choose how we move through the world.
We have the FREEDOM to choose to heal or not. We have the freedom to become a more whole, conscious and aware Self or not.
Choose wisely.
I love you.
Post-Cult Life offers a spiritual perspective and approach to trauma recovery, deprogramming from modern day cult dynamics, the awakening process and finding your freedom (and true Self). Insights and opinions are based on my experience with narcissistic abuse and time in “a cult within a cult." Thank you for being a part of this community!
For more on my personal experience, check out are archives. If you are looking for additional cult recovery resources, experts and information on indoctrination, coercion and mind control, here is what I have found to be accurate and useful:
the work of Steven Hassan, PhD. and his Freedom of Mind Resource Center
the work of Dr. Ramani
The Vow on HBO
WTF is on My Mind?! podcast
Trust Me podcast
the work of Rick Ross
the work of Dr. Janja Lalich
"There is no endpoint or healing finish line!" Woo! Love all of this.
Perhaps my biggest revelation in narcissist psychology is that trauma may be the root of all evil.