It’s a new day, it’s a new dawn
And I’m feeling goooooood.
To my lovely, inquisitive, powerful, awesome readers: THANK YOU! Most importantly thank your for your support and patience as I took some unexpected time off from Post-Cult Life to focus on my physical health as the psychic sensitivity and PTSD were causing all sorts of raucousness in my earthly body, but more on that in my next post The important part for now is - I’m healthy!
Today I am celebrating TWO YEARS since leaving the cults!
Yes, that’s plural! Two cults!
If you’re new here, I suggest getting acquainted with the backstory on my former narcissistic acting mentor, her cult class and my time in Scientology. Please check out these earlier posts here and here. There’s a deeper dive into the Scientology element and overall spiritual/religious cult framework in The Exploitation of Spirit - which ironically was published just a couple weeks before the Dalai Lama’s asking-a-child-to-suck-his-tongue scandal broke in the news!
That Dalai Lama incident illustrates one of the many reasons I started Post-Cult Life. There is a global pandemic of abuse and exploitation by leaders in the religious and spiritual worlds - and this has spanned centuries. All the normalized insanity, abuse, groupthink, programming, etc. that I witnessed in the cult-within-a-cult period of my life is a near exact description of the way every other cult, high control group and narcissist functions - the red flags and patterns are all there.
And shockingly, (or not so much) many of these patterns are prevalent in our politics, business, education, media and celebrity culture. So please, if you’ve not seen these earlier posts, give them a read (including the list of additional resources) and share them. The more we educate ourselves, the better we can prevent ourselves and our loved ones from being indoctrinated. I have witnessed too many good-hearted, honest and intelligent people lose their souls to these predatory groups and leaders.
The art of celebration
This part is important…
The ability to celebrate my growth, accomplishments and self-love is something that didn’t exist during those cult years. I have had to relearn the act and art of celebration without feeling shame, guilt or fear. If you’ve ever been in a cult/high control group or narcissistic relationship, then I’m sure you understand this element.
Today I am celebrating not just my freedom, but the freedom of my fellow defectors. Hey, we fucking did it! We. Got. Out. Despite the fear, guilt, the “traitor” smear campaigns and accusations of disloyalty…We. Got. Out.
And my oh my, how beautifully and wonderfully rich our lives have become.
Congratulations to YOU! To US! Cue the party!!! Joy! Laughter! Dancing! It’s in the vein of an ancient Pagan Litha festival (aka the summer solstice). I am celebrating the return of my vitality. My passion, lust for life and fiery nature that has gifted me with the ability of rapid transmutation. My body and heart are buzzing with joy. I’m vibrating with excitement and hope for what’s to come. And while I might be dancing wildly around my room instead of a solstice bonfire, I am having a damn good time.
I thank God, Buddha, Jesus, Father Sky, Isis, Ganesh…all the Gods, Goddesses and Ascended Masters every day for my freedom. Yes, seriously, I'm shouting out gratitude to all of them regularly!
We did it guys. We got our lives back. Keep rising and thriving.
To my freedom fellows: what and how are you celebrating? I’d love to share some of your stories in future posts, so if you’re up for sharing, send me an email: info@sacredhealingartla.com.
Counterfeits
Speaking of parties…there were plenty of faux celebrations that honored my former mentor - full scale theatrical productions devoted to her every Christmas and every year for her birthday. If I can find them, I’ll post those photos in the Post-Cult Life chat.
There was also an interim period of praise and adoration from my mentor when any of us in class booked a job or had a big breakthrough. She’d have the entire class on it’s feet applauding you - but those were often followed by brutal public attacks of our confidence and self-worth. She had to break us down of course, lest we become more successful (and a threat) to her. That’s narcissist modus operandi. I was verbally obliterated and humiliated both in private and in front of my class peers (after the interim praise) following every single acting job I booked. This was par for the course not just for me, but many others (unless she planned to use your success to help her own acting career). These public emotional floggings sometimes seemed to happen for no apparent reason at all. Having the facts and research I do now, I understand those attacks were always to keep us under her influence. Undue influence.
There were also the feigned celebrations after completing a Scientology course or program as you were quickly led by church staff to write a Success Story and then rushed to the Registrar’s Office while on your high of achievement to sign up for more services. All you need is group of people telling you how amazing, powerful and strong you are to pump you up and grease those wheels to spend spend spend. Oh, for the love of money. Cue that classic by The O’Jays.
The through line of these counterfeit celebrations is the act of the group’s energy and mindset to altar your experience of reality.
If you’ve ever been to an event, party, concert, or conference and felt your mood lift with that dopamine hit, then you know what I mean. It’s easy (and we’re biologically programmed) to get caught up in the excitement and energy of a group - there’s even a sales tactic that employs this device.
Furthermore, people desperately want to feel happy. Humanity has been searching for the secret to happiness for eons. We’ve searched far and wide under every metaphysical and materialist rock we can find trying to get a hold of this elusive feeling. We’ve looked to religion, spirituality, technology, fitness, beauty, personal development and the list goes on. A quick google search reveals just the personal development industry alone was worth around $44 billion in 2022 and is projected to be near $70 billion by 2030. I’m sure you can imagine the numbers for the other aforementioned industries.
Providing happiness has become BIG business.
Narcissists and cult leaders know this. They know people want happiness more than anything. They know we want to feel loved and supported more than anything. They know we long to be part of a community.
They know if they curate a facade of happiness, love, joy, and excitement within their group - then most people [in their desire for fulfillment] will see, feel and believe that. The group dynamic and it’s ability to influence is real.
So how do we protect ourselves from these master manipulators? How do spot the cracks in the veneer?
Bringing spiritual tools to the table
While I did spend a significant amount of time alone after leaving the cults, I have since begun to open my world slowly and steadily to new people and even new groups.
It is possible! One tool that has served me well in shifting from the anxiety of hypervigilance to the conscious intuitive practice of discernment is working with Spirit in one particular way: animal medicine, aka totem animals. This has been quite powerful and effective. It’s also increased my self-confidence as I work to rebuild my trust with self and others.
Whenever there is skepticism, doubt or suspicion about the validity of a person, group, business opportunity, etc., this is the opportune time to call on and embody the medicine of Owl and Hawk. We can awaken our senses, awareness, internal alert systems, gain higher perspective and see in the dark.
Owl hunts at night and can literally see in the dark. It pinpoints the exact location of a sound and doesn’t miss a beat. Owl is the key to spotting any deception and allows us to see beyond the surface of what someone is saying and presenting to us. It’s a symbol of wisdom in many cultures for a reason. It’s our third eye, our intuition, clairvoyancy and ability to see through people’s ulterior motives. Overall, Owl medicine is wonderful for anyone in the awakening process as you become able to see through the subliminal programming in society and the media. As I’ve said before, there’s cultish aspects present across industries and cultures. Staying aware and empowered keeps your intuitive abilities, critical thinking and individual thought your own.
Then there’s all-seeing Hawk. Nothing gets by this one. Flying from a higher perspective it sees every single detail within the bigger picture. We’re expanding our awareness and zooming out to examine life’s scenarios and discern any potential hazards. Hawk is the messenger of Spirit, so expect to start receiving bold (and very obvious) signs and signals. Whether that’s seeing a literal Hawk up close and personal (as I’ve experienced), finding feathers or seeing other synchronicities Hawk is sounding the alarm bell to be alert and expand your awareness.
Both of these predatory birds have the gift of keen vision and powerful observation. Working with their medicine gifts you with the ability to spot those elusive red flags and peer through the veil of a cult leader’s illusion.
Learning to trust myself
This has been one of the biggest lessons in my post-cult life. Through therapy, A LOT of time alone (especially in nature), meditation and my psychic work, I’ve been rebuilding my identity. My true identity. And rebuilding that essential relationship with self. It’s been a bumpy road, but one I think many people can relate to who’ve not just come out of cults, but any abusive relationship where their personal power has been stripped bare. It’s uncomfortable and sometimes downright frightening work to reckon with myself about how I treated myself and others during those years.
I was hard, controlling, rude, rigid, icy…a real bitch actually.
I was angry A LOT. I was sick A LOT.
The financial abuse alone left me with a very distorted relationship with money. That is finally, FINALLY being repaired.
As the fiery, action-oriented, quick-to-make-things-happen, hardworking woman that I am, finding the patience to understand that deprogramming doesn’t happen overnight has been difficult. When did I become so instant gratification?!?!
The gift I’ve found in this lesson of slowing down, allowing and finding patience and grace with myself, is that I’ve softened. And not in a doormat kind of way. I’ve softened in the way that I talk to and treat myself. I’ve relaxed into not needing to control others so much and allowing them to be on their own journeys. At the same time, I’ve created and exercised much stronger boundaries - energetically, emotionally and verbally. That outspoken teen version of me I remember so well has come back. I no longer keep quiet when I witness injustice, bullying, abuse, or unethical behavior.
What’s that saying? “Evil exists because good people allow it.” Funnily enough, my former mentor aka cult leader used to say that a lot. Until I spoke out against her. Cue the smear campaign (and it was brutal). Case in point, that’s how easily a “good” concept gets twisted by a cult leader/narcissist/sociopath. Narcissists are MASTERS of twisting the truth.
Through this process of regaining my self-trust, there’s been a lot of trial and error. That’s where grace and self-compassion have proved a winning combo. I’ve accepted and forgiven myself for a lot. Perhaps the most powerful insight for me, was recognizing my own role in allowing others to have power over me - not to say that ANYTHING was my fault or to take away the severity of their abusive actions - but more to recognize the innate ability in me (and all of us) to wake up at any time, to recognize at any moment that we’re under the influence and to walk away.
Once we recognize, embrace and embody how powerful we are - we are free.
It’s been a slow thawing out period, remembering who I am. The exciting part is that it continues. When I least expect it, I’m gifted with a new recognition that more of me has returned.
There are moments in my days where I’m doing something mundane, like choosing which shampoo to buy or what time to start dinner and it will hit me. Holy shit - I actually get to decide what I want. Then there are moments where I’m confronted with my opinion about something, or a belief about life - a color I hate or beliefs about success - where I stop to ask myself if that’s my authentic opinion/belief or if that’s residual programming from my former mentor or Scientology. Then I pause to consider how I actually feel or what I truly believe.
It’s a big deal for me, those little moments of self-inquiry and recognition. It let’s me know I’m in the process of getting to know myself more deeply, of shedding the skin of cult programming and patterns. It’s me exercising my free will. It might seem silly to get excited about buying shampoo I want, or realizing I actually LOVE the color orange. But these little micro-decisions and recognitions add up to me trusting myself a whole lot more. I do a happy dance every time.
Living in truth
In the months following my abrupt no-contact departure…
Wait, let’s pause for a moment. I want to emphasize that it is advised by every professional I’ve spoken with or who’s material I researched and read that going no contact is the safest and most effective way to leave a narcissist (and a cult). Keep calm and go no contact.
So in the months following my exit, I found myself rapidly shifting through changes in my diet, sleep habits, clothing style and more. I ventured into a new fields of work and study. My tastes in home decor, books, TV/film and social activities all shifted drastically. I changed nearly all my beauty and home products. I purged my apartment ad nauseum and have almost entirely new furniture. And I sold or donated many of the extravagant gifts my former mentor had given me. Talk about releasing!
The last two years has been a massive unfolding and stepping outside the old toxic box I was violently squeezed into and stepping onto the path of truth. Finding and rediscovering my own thought, opinions, beliefs and feelings.
The thing about being in a cult or narcissistic relationship that most people don’t realize is it’s a lot like being drunk or high - you’re under the influence. You’re going through life under the influence of an emotionally and physically violent force. All of your decisions, thoughts and beliefs are no longer are your own. You are a pawn in someone else’s sick game.
This is why I speak out. This is why I advocate for cult awareness, education and support for survivors. I want all of us to be free and living truthfully.
Living in truth is soul sobriety. I’ve detoxed and I am no longer under the influence. That is what I am celebrating and what I wish for everyone who is still under the influence. To anyone out there struggling to get out: there is support on the other side, there is life after the cult and there is so much love, joy, freedom and community.
Post-Cult Life is intended to inform readers about cults and narcissistic abuse as well as provide spiritual insights and perspective on healing from this specific type of complex trauma. As such, I discuss multiple healing modalities that work for me. If you’re curious to learn more about about those or have general questions, thoughts or ideas for future posts, you can email me at info@sacredhealingartla.com. Thank you for being a part of this community!
If you are looking for additional cult recovery resources and information on the nature of cults, here is what I have found to be accurate and useful:
right here on Substack.
the work of Steven Hassan, PhD. and his Freedom of Mind Resource Center
the work of Dr. Ramani
The Vow on HBO
WTF is on My Mind?! podcast
Trust Me podcast
I’m so proud of you. Keep telling your truth. ❤️
Thank you George! I truly believe speaking up and out about abuse and exploitation in any scenario can support and empower others who may be struggling to leave or with the aftermath of leaving. The more of us who speak up, the more likely we will put an end to these types of abuse through prevention and education.